Here, I open my mouth, so to speak, and PROVE that I'm a moron
Well, I took a brief break from playing the greatest game ever -- Who Are the Three Worst People to Be Stuck on an Elevator With? this afternoon to meet Angry John Sellers' dare: yes, I have another list of 150 things that make me want to barf. And yes, I really do have too much free time on my hands. Idle hands, idle hands. Still. This list didn't take long to create; and I don't believe that there are any dupes with the last list; if you find one, I'll buy you a biscuit. And just for the record, here are three people that would really suck to be stuck on an elevator with: Steven Tyler, Renee Zellweger, Stephen Hawking. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I would barf if I were stuck on an elevator with that trio. Although that suckfecta isn't on my honk list, here are 150 things that are...
Another Top 150 Things That Make Me Want to Barf (in no particular order)
1. Incense
2. Honeydew melon
3. Doo-wop music
4. Little Richard
5. Mad TV
6. Lame Elvis impersonators
7. That fucking walrus that hung around with Tennessee Tuxedo
8. Skinks
9. Skanks
10. Skunks
11. English muffins (seriously, just a dose of muffin whiff makes me want to upchuck)
12. Orange marmalade (uh, yuck)
13. Dunkin Donuts "reduced fat" blueberry muffins (it's bad enough to do something fruity like order a fruity muffin at the Donuts, but this particular breed tastes not unlike lint -- belly button lint [don't ask])
14. Smithwick's (it's pish)
15. Mystery meat
16. Tan lines caused by wearing socks (seriously. after a dire burning at a Braves-Nationals game last summer, I have permanent lines on my ankles -- sucks!)
17. Getting gooned on cheap beer, specifically Pabst Blue Ribbon
18. Pus
19. this! (scroll down)
20 Lime juice
21. Cold refried beans
22. Cold gravy
23. Seeing a dude apply chapstick
24. Dr. Phil
25. The slang term "groovy"
26. The slang term "far out"
27. The Grateful Dead
28. Grateful Dead fans
29. Guys over the age of 22 who "wake & bake"
30. Ash tray whiff
31. Seeing a cigarette butt that's covered in an old lady's lipstick
32. Ragweed
33. Wicker (god, I hate wicker)
34. People who shop at Pier Imports (for wicker -- or rattan -- furniture)
35. David Schwimmer
36. "Television for Women"
37. Women's basketball (the worst sport ever)
38. Mad About You
39. Gauze
40. Totting the nod (No, I don't know what this means either. But it makes me want to puke.)
41. Public nose pickers
42. Booger eaters
43. Zoo whiff
44. Dudes called Kenneth (Not Kens. Kenneths. Fuck their frequency.)
45. Crabapples
46. Road apples
47. Tater blight
48. When you roll a Rollo to your stupid friend and he doesn't roll it back
49. Overtipping to keep from getting hassled (guilty)
50. When you're trying to order a Whaler at the BK drive-through and your jackass friend sasses the box (Never sass the box. 'Nuff said.)
51. Chives
52. Being told to "get bent"
53. Mildew stank
54. Chutzpah
55. Damn dirty sons of bitches
56. Weak coffee
57. Chicory
58. Midgets with 'tude
59. Grapefruit
60. Tartar sauce
61. Steak tartare
62. Flabby Lycra-wearers
63. Semicolons
64. Flatulent geezers
65. Shit-breathed dental hygenists
66. Mealworms
67. The idea of bed bugs
68. Pig latin
69. Buckeyes
70. Yams
71. Burlap
72. The New York Times' "Metropolitan Diary" column
73. Blues Traveller
74. Bathroom Monkeys that hate to clean
75. Films with talking babies
76. Finding an old potato that's got gnarly shoots in the fridge
77. A fridge's "crisper" drawer (what a scam that is)
78. The word "uvula"
79. Realizing that I have a uvula
80. Pone
81. The clearly retarded -- and pantless --
82. The smell of cooking Hormel's Corned Beef Hash
83. Grizzle
84. The word "groin"
85. Dudes who wear slippers
86. Disco music
87. Getting slimed
87. Recovering important stuff accidentally dropped in the toilet, like your wallet
88. The reek of death
89. The smell of napalm in the morning
90. Hi and Lois
91. Being told by a local tough that he can "crap bigger than me"
92. Ride's Carnival of Light
93. Cotton candy
94. "Guys in drag" humor (uh, Milton Berle pretty much covered that to death about 50 years ago -- move on)
95. I Love Lucy
96. Brent Musburger
97. Show tunes
98. Non-dry heat
99. Mimes
100. Fancypants dandies
101. Transfats (I think; I'm really not sure what those are)
102. Frisbee golfers
103. Guys who refer to pizza as 'za (As in, "Dude, I'm so hepped up on goofballs. Let's order some 'za.")
104. Sha Na Na
105. The unfrosted side of Kellogs' Frosted Mini Wheats
106. The term "munchies"
107. Smelling what the Rock is cooking
108. Jalapeño peppers
109. Not having a future so bright that I gotta wear shades
110. Having the theme of my high school's senior party being "Futures so bright you gotta wear shades" (lame)
111. When an old asian woman carrying a bag of fish forces her ass into the too small seat next to you on the subway
112. The word "panties"
113. Massive Attack
114. The smell of old coins
115. Liverwurst
116. Getting clocked with a forearm shiver
117. James Carville's accent
118. Not knowing why you don't bring me flowers anymore
119. When they send in the clowns
120. Squid
121. Scabies
122. Not knowing the correct answer to the "paper or plastic" question
123. Accidentally touching a piece of used chewing gum stuck under your desk at work
124. Seeing milk come out of a real chowderhead's nose when he laughs hard
125. Seeing some damn kid blow a snot bubble
126. Moobs (man boobs)
127. The term "pokie" (meaning jail)
128. When a chick says "I gotta hit the can"
129. Getting snubbed
130. Diaper loads
131. Getting concussed (However, I love the strange word "concussed." It does not make me want to barf)
132. PAM cooking spray
133. Mousse
134. Lazy wine-swilling cheeseheads. I.e. the French. And Wisconsinites.
135. Tab cola (I've had one and only one Tab in my entire life. I drank it on a dare. I puked.)
136. The smell coming out of the backseat during a long roadtrip
137. Dandruff showers when some jackass shakes their flaky noggin
138. Fruitcake
139. Boils
140. Existential angst
141. Fear of going permanently berzerker
142. Naugahyde
143. The bastardly Greedy Smurf and Brainy Smurf
144. Suet
145. Jaunty tunes
146. The Jaundice
147. Creamed corn
148. Spastic colons
149. Pink eye
150. Those fucking milk moustache ads
4 comments:
I'm pretty sure we were separated at birth. Mad About You? Yams? Frisbee golf? Creamed Corn? Anyone who says they like those things is clearly lying/delusional.
Also, I think a shit-breathed professor is just as bad as a shit-breathed dental hygienist (though it's a lot less ironic). It's like, you have these advanced degrees and are in charge of imparting knowledge of a particular subject to others, but you can't recognize the stench coming from your own yap?
Hey-o, Krystal -- Yeah, if I ever meet the guy who shoves a bunch of creamed corn and/or yams into his pie-hole before heading out for a round of frisbee golf - or "frolf" - my guts will implode.
It may interest you to know that during my frosh year at Michigan, I had an English prof who moonlighted as a professional body builder. He also came from one of those countries where daily bathing is, well, a "luxury," not a necessity. I think you can imagine the Pigpen-like funk this guy carried. How is it that Prof Pong was able to possess several advanced degrees and a Mr. Universe belt, but not a stick of deodorant? Isn't hygiene part of the U.S. Citizenship Exam? It makes no damn sense! Needless to say, I usually skipped his class.
P.S. I'm told that "pong" is Kiwi slang for a "bad smell." It's a fact. How awesome is that!? I wonder what "ping" means down under; I mayn't be able to ever play table tennis again. Pity.
You did it, sucka. And this list is better than the last. Color me impressed. And hungry. Gotta eat a taco.
Your taco chatter is tantamount to sassing the box. You've made Juan Valdez and his trusty goat cry. Or bleat. Something. How dare you!?
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