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I am a fat guy in a little suit.

Condiment Confusion

So. I've got this damn Amy Winehouse song stuck in my head. I can't get it out!

Worse, I bought a sandwich at a deli and brought it back with me to work to feed on. Trouble: I discovered that my sammie had mayo instead of mustard, as I had clearly asked for. Fuck! This keeps happening at the delis around here. Can't Asians understand the damn difference between mustard and mayo? They don't sound the same at all! Mustard. Mayo. Not the same, not the same! Sticking me with mayo instead of mustard is tantamount to a hate crime, I believe. It's certainly actionable. Balls! Part of the Green Card/Citizenship process should be the essential acquisition of the "skill" to distinguish mayo from mustard. (Also, it should be impressed on newbies that it's KETCHUP, not CATSUP, as was used on a sign in the deli that I bought this bastard sammie. Ketchup, not catsup. I can't stress that enough.) So I had to scrape off the mayo and scavenge the office kitchen for a glob of Gulden's. Luckily, I found some. Man, this day is fucking ruined, though.

And now I have to go to Brooklyn to move my damn truckster. Rat farts!

Final Note: Tomorrow is the Puerto Rican Day parade here in NYC. Inevitably, I will get caught in the chaos -- it always happens. If you get a "Lousiana is the Pelican State" text message from me, please send help!

Yes, We Offer Benefits

Job Posting of the Day....

PORN REVIEWERS WANTED (Midtown)

Reply to: job-344882038@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-04, 5:55PM EDT

Are you a connoisseur of porn? Do you have definite opinions about the movies you watch? We literally have hundreds of adult films sitting around our offices waiting for someone to review them. So, we’re looking for a dedicated group of competent folks to help us watch and critique the growing backlog.

What’s the catch? There’s not much in the way of pay – for now. But the DVDs, which retail anywhere from $25 to $50, are yours to keep after you review them. This is a legitimate writing gig that can be added to your freelancer portfolio. And SexHerald, a sex-positive online publication, is a startup operation that is poised for rapid growth.

All reviewers must be 21 or older, live in the New York tri-state area (CT, NJ, NY) and be deadline-oriented and dependable. Previous writing experience is a plus: The reviews run 500 words in length, and a minimum of five (5) films are required to be viewed each month. For a taste of the types of reviews we are seeking, check out:
http://www.sexherald.com/porn-movies/adult-dvds.

If you’re interested, email us a resume and a sample 500-word review of a recent adult film. Put the resume and writing sample into the email itself. WE DO NOT OPEN ATTACHMENTS.

We want to hear from you…

COMMENT: Huh. I don't think I've ever watched an entire porn movie in one sitting. But my portfolio could use some sex-positive clips. Five flicks per month, eh? I'm sure I could do that. Oh, but I went to the Web site to check it out and one of the first words I saw was "analingus." Wow. I don't want any part of that. Thanks to this, I think my pyloric valve is now permanently sealed shut.

Cripple Fight!

Okay, not really. No cripple fights. But I would be curious to know if a llama could beat a kangaroo in a square-go. I'd root for the llama, I think. Doesn't Fox run some sort of reality series of animal fights? Fox boss Murdoch is Aussie. He could get a 'roo. It might be tougher to get a llama into the ring. But they should try. The winner gets to fight Lindsey Lohan. Cage match.

Fore!

This is something. I mean, this is fat and phat. Check out the commercials in the Fatty Media section -- choice.

Spock digs naked fat chicks the most, baby!

An awesome headline, from today's New York Times: Girth and Nudity: a Mission for Nimoy. Awesome! But weird. That's one weird Vulcan. Let me tell you, though, that after having driven across a good part of these United States with ol' Spock (detailed in Angry John Sellers' new book Perfect From Now On, which is reason enough to buy the damn thing. It's like only twenty bucks or something; just buy it, goon.), I'm pretty sure the stoic alien doesn't have a flabby fetish. That's not logical. Or is it so logical that it's blown my mind? More to love, more to love.... Anyhoo, here's the article on ol' Spockie boy. Is Spock a flesh hound? You be the judge....

Point of Contention: People who aren't interested in llama trivia are morons.